In complicated mother–daughter relationships, the strain doesn’t always look dramatic. 

My mother once said to me:  "it's not like I was putting cigarettes out on you".  

 

And she's right, she wasn't.  I had a roof over my head and food on my plate.  It's very true that I have a lot to be grateful for... 

 

And/Also... not all relational strain comes from obvious harm.  

Our minds are brilliantly adaptable.  
When the relational dance with our mothers is complicated, we adapt.  

 

 

Some of the most common adaptations I see include:

  • Reading a room and knowing what everyone else needs
  • Being the one who handles what needs to be handled
  • Showing up for the people in our lives.
     

These are beautiful, hard-earned strengths, AND...

Over time, these same strengths can start to take more out of us than we realize— including:

  • Difficulty having hard conversations
  • Boundary confusion and boundary guilt
  • Over-functioning and feelings of overwhelm
  • Forgoing rest or personal needs
  • Mental chatter, self-doubt, and foggy inner clarity

Fortunately, neuroplasticity is on our sides.  
We can keep the hard-earned wisdom, but shed the rest.